The scare..

Here's the scenario..

It was 12 am, September 19, 2012 and I was still in the shower, just as the phone rang I knew that it was you. The fact that no one except nanay calls that late at night. I was thinking if I should call you back, and to be honest I wasn't even gonna. "Tiis lang muna." -That's what I said to myself, though I wanted to. I went up, wet and wrapped in a towel. Picked the phone and dialed 851-3**3. But dropped it. I had to make you miss me. It was the only way that things will be better. I got into my room dried myself, and dressed up.

Then the scare...

I checked my phone and there you have those messages. "Kamusta?" "Tangina mo. May papatayin ako." "Tumatawag ako sa bahay niyo." *shaking* All I can do was pray to God that it wasn't what I was thinking, that you were just playing with me. Why the hell would people be so cruel, going ahead dealing with my task, as if they know what to do. Trabaho ko na yun eh, ako na dapat don. Fucking people just wouldn't let me handle with my own bussiness. I couldn't do anything on by myself anymore? Ha? You fucking twat! Your mouth blabbers too much, that you could go suck and swallow three different dicks at the same time. Ganyan ka dba? I knew that way back... It's written in your face, cunt!

Shaking, in unexpected chills, and scared to death. That was me, that night. I admit, I was thinking of some lame excuses of how to get out of this mess. Pero nung banggit mong "D****" I couldn't say a word. I couldn't even open my mouth. It was time for you to know, I couldn't lie to you anymore. My conscience killed me for months already. Di ko na kayang dagdagan pa yun. You deserved to know the truth.

This is not easy.

Home from school. Learned nothing, but that stupid breastfeeding topic. It was really bogart, trust me! And my binder's again filled with those "what to do plans"you know; those, what will I be like after another day, a week after, a month, a year? A year? Isn't that that too long? No!!!! Not a year, not two years, three, four, and definitely not forever... I hope. :/ I couldn't think of anything else but you. You were the only thing that was on my mind the whole 8 hrs. Was really not myself for the past few hours, all I did was doodle. Earphones on, world off! But you know what I was thinking of good memories this time, which lead to your birthdayyyy. Speaking of your birthday, I created my simple plan to greet you on that day. I wouldn't wanna miss that right? Wait for September 24, 2012, exactly 5:30am in the morning. You'll see. :) I become more excited every time I think about this little plan. I just hope it makes you happy in a certain way.

It's still isn't easy, Babe! I feel so desperate, I wanna tell you that I still wanna be with you and that I need you right now, cause you're all I need to be okay. You're what I need to keep a smile on my face. There's no smile with out. You know that! But then, you won't learn. So I'll be patient about this tho it hurts. Maybe one day...

Why?

"Me, quitting is impossible! It's impossible." I always told myself that. Until you hit me with your hands, again.. I felt destroyed, it felt like I was no longer secured in your arms, that I was no longer respected and cared for. I kept on hitting you back, I wanted to fight for myself. You physically and emotionally damaged me. What did I do to deserve that? And I never got to hear an answer. All I did was cry myself to sleep every night thinking "Why?" I gave you my life, I gave you everything. I loved you with not just half of me, but my whole being. But why hit me? Last thing I was thinking that moment was I wanted to die, if you only knew what was going on the other side of that door. I was scratching myself, I wanted to cut, I kept hitting myself harder and harder every time I think about what you did and the pain kept going on.. I couldn't stop my tears, and until this very moment, I can't seem to hold it back. I could still feel the pain, as if you're hitting me right now. As soon as I walked out that door all you said was "Wag ka nang babalik dito!" And as I closed it, all I said was "It's over."